Following God

I don't know much about this subject.
I barely know what happens in my own life and how that might be following God or following myself or following my culture blah, blah, blah.......

But recently my pastor asked me to share a story from my life. He requested this particular story. I started to write it and had to call and tell him there's no "happy ending" to this story yet. He assured me he already knew that. I reminded him that I like happy endings and things tied up in neat packages. He knew that, too. He still wanted this particular story for Sunday morning. Sometimes it's best not to argue.

I work for the State of California.
I've been with the same department for 17 years.

A few years ago I started to reevaluate my life and my career choice was part of that questioning. I started asking myself "What do you want?" Who did God create you to be? I started trying to remember....Why do I work for the State?

It's safe.
It's secure.
It's got a great retirement plan.
I get off for Cesar Chavez Day.
Most of my family was telling me "if you were smart, you'd get a state job...."
I wanted to be smart.

That was a long time ago.
I've been coming to the understanding that my current job doesn't suit the "what do you want" rule. To follow God into life, for me, means I wouldn't commute 1.5 hours a day to a 9X9 cubicle on the third floor of a downtown lowrise.

What would it mean? I couldn't really say. I didn't really know. It was scary for me to start thinking about changing jobs. It actually started a couple years ago, too. I was talking with my pastor one day, whining about my job, and he blurts out.....Quit.

What? Quit my job?

I can't quit my job, I protested! I'm the responsible one!

I'm not advocating randomly quitting your job and I'm sure my pastor wasn't either. Well, maybe he was.....I'm still not really able to hear that. But it was time to start thinking about what my life means and how it looks and what changes I could make toward living my design.

What is the problem?
Some of my problem was fear. Fear of failure, fear of being wrong, being thought of as foolish. Some of my problem came from my own bias judgments and wrong thinking. Some of my problem was comfort...control...I like to know what to expect.

Finally the pain of staying stuck becomes more painful than the fear of change. I decided that I wanted to go back to school. Now that's a pretty typical response for a woman in my situation. I'm in the middle of my life, looking back at what got me here and looking forward to what comes in my future. In order to make the job changes I would like, education is essential.

I'm the head of my household and I have to earn a steady income. I sitll have one teenager at home and going to school in the evenings just isn't a match for me right now.

This opportunity comes out of the blue to work part time for the state. My same job, just half time. Half the pay, of course, but this is a great opportunity. I can keep all my benefits and "security" and be able to go to school. But this is really scary for me. What if this isn't God leading? What if this is presumption and not faith? What if.....what if.....what if....

I'm so weary of being afraid of life that I don't want to play the "what if" game any longer. So I apply for the job. I don't really know that this is God leading. I'm attempting to read the signs along the way, opportunities seem to be opening up. Financially this is risky, trying to live on half my salary, but half my salary is more than a typical part time job and my debt is coming under control and I start mentally throwing things overboard, this can go....that can go. I start thinking this could really work. I would be more available to my son than my current work schedule. It makes my heart jump thinking about starting to walk in this idea. I feel like this is a giant step toward my intended design. I go to the college to take the assessment test. That was humbling.........

I went to student orientation. I talked to the college counselor. I filled out my financial aid packet.

I did the job interview. It was probalby the best interview I've ever done in my life. You know how the hero in the movie has the sparking tooth? I think my tooth sparkled. It was a really great interview. I went home, figured out my course schedule and enrolled in classes. I'm thinking this is a sure thing.

4 days later they came and said they had selected another candidate for the part time job.

I was really disappointed.
I don't know the ending to this story yet.......

Doorbell Ditch With A Twist

Remember the prank DOORBELL DITCH?

It's where someone rings your doorbell and runs away before you answer. Sometimes they would leave an unpleasant offering depending on how nasty a neighbor you had been. The juvenile delinquent in me could tell you some stories that I've "heard" about this.

Anyway, this has been happening to us. On Christmas. Only we must be on the nice list.

For the past 2 years someone knocks on our door (we don't have a doorbell). They knock with purpose. Our first thought is usually "What are the cops doing here?" Really, sounds like the DEA. It's late in the evening, it's Christmas, plus not too many unscheduled visitors come to our house these days, so we are usually in shock for about 10 seconds. This is followed by a weak "who is it?"

When I look through the peephole no one is there, of course. So I run around to the kitchen window because you can see the front door from there. No one. But there's a gift. I guess a year is a long time because we met this year's event with as much surprise as last year.

Last year's gift was candies, 2 chocolate-covered strawberries, and cash. There was a note that said the money was for our trip.

This year there was a Starbuck's gift card, even more cash, and our absolute favorite Christmas movie, Christmas Vacation, on DVD.

This is definitely someone who knows us. This is definitely someone who loves us. We are talking a substantial amount of cash this year. This is a generous Santa. We opened the gift and laughed and smiled and laughed some more and tried to guess who it could be. It is a very exhilarating experience.

This sort of random loving does so much in my heart. First, it lets me know that God is alive and working in the hearts of His people. Mine, my secret Santa, my son, all of His children. No one can massage generosity in someone's heart like God can.

Second, it brings healing. Last year my husband of 23 years decided he wanted to be divorced. My son and I have been looking for new traditions for our new lives, especially around the holidays, but having a single income leaves us on a limited budget. We decided to make a getaway plan and take an annual road trip. Last year's money was earmarked by Santa for that purpose and we put it to good use. We planned a bigger trip this year (we're getting more brave) and Santa matched the effort. The money was put to very good use and couldn't have come at a better time.

Third, it brings deep feelings of community and love. When we start to try and guess who our Doorbell Ditching Santa could be, we have a list of likelys. It's humbling and encouraging at the same time because there is more than one name on the list. We think we know who it is, but the idea that someone would share with us in this way is truly and deeply moving. Someone is sharing with us the blessings they have received. Taking what is their blessing and stretching it big enough to include us. It blows my mind. When you think of the people you know, how we all struggle, how we all think we need this and that and more on top, and how it is one of those precious people who is taking a piece of their pie and putting it on my doorstep. I'm filled with love and peace and the assurance that God is truly looking out for me in ways that I can't even imagine.

Thank you, Doorbell Ditching Santa. Thanks for the smile that lasted for over an hour and then made me chuckle for days after. Thanks for the extra cash that took the edge off the price of gas for my road trip with my son. Thanks for the Starbie's card.....you know I love Starbie's. Thanks for the movie. It's a Speer Family cult film and we had been thinking we should buy it on DVD since our VHS copy was wearing thin from over use. Thanks for loving God and being in the Kingdom. You bless me. I am grateful.

A Mountain Top Experience On A Mountain Top

I took my teenaged son on a road trip this Christmas break. We drove from Sacramento to Seattle in our trusty car, the Silver Bullet. It's a long stinkin' way. Both ways.

We had all the necessary provisions.........jerky, chocolate, oranges, water, soda.......I'll spare you the entire list, but be assured it was really long and questionably healthy. We also had our respective music, me: Van Morrison CDs, him: MP3 with headphones. The weather is pretty fair in California, even in the winter, but you do travel 2 snowy mountain passes between here and Seattle. We planned ahead and bought snow chains at the Wal-Mart and practiced putting them on the car in the dry weather before we left home. I've never used chains before. I've never driven in the snow before. I've only been in a car once when it was actually snowing......and we didn't need chains. So much for my qualifications.

I have been ruled by fear in my life. As an undercurrent, a sort of unspoken rule "if you're afraid or if this causes you anxiety, DON'T DO IT!!" That has been a recorded message in my mind for years. I'm not talking about the message that says "don't stick your hand in the flames" or "don't drive drunk." There are some messages of caution what are wise to heed. I'm talking about that general sense that if I'm uncomfortable or anxious about something unknown or unfamiliar, I shouldn't do it. You can imagine the sort of predictable boredom that comes from that. I used to call it safety or security, or even, frighteningly enough, smart.

I had grown weary of the lack of freedom in my life. I was tired of wanting something that seemed just out of reach only to realize it was actually my fear that held it up. I started attempting to order my life without accounting for the bit of anxiety it might cause. What do you want? Answering that question without all the what-ifs or you-really-shouldn'ts. This has been met with a good measure of success. I have experienced an increased amount of excitement, pleasure, joy, and growth since I started this.

The roadtrip was no excetpion. We started out on a clear, sunny morning. The trip up was fabulous until we hit Washington State. Did you know it rains in Washington in the winter? Really hard? Well it does. Anyway, we visit relatives, sightsee, blah, blah, 5 days later, it's time to go.

On the way home we decide to leave earlier than we had for the trip up. We get up at 3:15AM. We are in the car by 4:15. Teenaged boys are asleep at 4:15AM, so the ride is quiet and traffic free. We make Salem by 8, stop for breakfast and continue the trek. It's raining really hard by now and I am starting to be concerned about the pass. I keep praying that by Ashland, Oregon the clouds will part and we will sail over the pass under blue skies and blessings of the Almighty.

The blessing part was true, but by Ashland the rain is coming down in buckets. We stop to use the restroom and it's POURING. We make a few calls to have someone check the internet for weather conditions. Snow? Thanks. We decide to continue inspite of the report. We have come a long way and there's still a long way to go and I've decided to stop being afraid, remember? Besides, I have the equipment to make it. I have the experience, er.....practice? Right, I'm nervous so as we are leaving our pitstop I say to my trusty sidekick.....let's pray. Oh yeah, he's one step ahead 0f me. We pray with boldness and confidence that God will be with us and that the snow would stop.

The Silver Bullet makes his way back on the freeway. I don't know when to put on chains. I'm assuming they will tell me and they do. We stop on the side of the road and secure the chains in record time. Perfectly exectued. We're pros, all high-fives and bragging. How fast can you drive with chains on? More gratitude for cell phones.



We made it over the snowy pass with peace and awe. The snow falling on the tree branches and hills and fence posts was absolutely beautiful. Breathtaking. I'm filled with the sense of freedom. God truly is with us. He truly is watching out for our good. I prayed for the snow to stop and for my path to be familiar and predictable. He had a better plan in mind. He knew that He could take us over a snowy pass and we could experience breathtaking beauty. He knew that we had done our part of preparation and that we could make it in this great adventure. He knew He planned to be there while my anxiety turned to joy. He was planning to be there whether I noticed Him or not. I'm grateful that I did notice Him there. I'm glad I was able to praise Him in real time for a real event with my son 16 inches away from me.

You know the funny thing is that once we were on the hill, there was such a sense of peace that it truly didn't matter if we made it over the pass or slid off the cliff......God was there and we knew it.

A mountain top experience on a mountain top.