I Love Dinner

I think I'll eat it every day.

It might not always look this good, though.

Drinking Coffee Taking Pictures

I have a friend (that's not the amazing part). This isn't just any friend, it's a 20-year-friend. 21 to be exact. We've been friends for 21 years. When we started this friendship we were very different....and not just younger. We were dumber, too. We lived a similar life to one another, but completely different to what would become. God was active in each of our hearts, but not at the same time and without the others knowledge. After a 10 year separation, we reunited only to find out we had both come to a similar place in life. Faith and family had taken a firm place in both our lives. We reconnect without skipping a beat. Light years from where we'd left off.

For some reason, separation comes to us again. When we reunite this time after 3 years, guess what? We reconnect without skipping a beat. Drinking coffee and taking pictures.

This might be a sisterhood for all eternity.

(wo)Man's Best Friend

She's ALWAYS glad to see me, even if we've only been apart 5 minutes.

She doesn't care if I wear my ratty jammies.

She listens to my stories and laughs at all my jokes.

She loves the same ice cream as I do.

My Beautiful Mamo

This is my grandmother (I'm on the left). She just turned 91. Her name is Virgie, but I call her Mamo.

I have a lifetime of stories to tell about her love for me. She bought me new shoes every summer. She cooked my favorite dinners. She let me drop pancake batter onto the hot griddle. She let me dig through her purse during church. She sent me a letter with a $1 bill in it that magically arrived every Saturday in the mail.....for YEARS. She threatened me with a fly swater when I deserved it (but never quite made good on it). She taught me to make mashed potatoes.

Even though I'm an adult now, and she's turning quite frail, she continues to love me in the way only Mamo can. She worries about my housing situation and marital status. She buys me AAA roadside assistance every year for Christmas. She gave me the pancake batter bowl we used together. She has the softest skin of anyone on earth and she still holds my hand.

I thank God He provided me such a love.

The Earth

It's all so beautiful. The earth. Granted, some parts are better than others. But there are few places you can go and not see something amazing and spectacular, even under the freeway overpass.

Abandonment vs. Empty Nest

My nest isn't actually empty. Not yet anyway. But my youngest chick is stretching his wings and I'm clucking around like a nervous hen.

If I do my job as a mother, my child will easily spread his wings and fly the coop. If I do what is right and good and healthy.

I'm so often confused about life and my ego gets large. I start to wonder what if I do these things for the good of my child, raise a man to maturity and independence.....what is my reward?

A wonderful human being gets added to the population of the planet.

You would think that might be enough.

At the same time, my heart fears this means I will be alone. I will be left behind. Again. And this time I will really be all alone. What will I do with myself? I have poured my life into caring for children for the past 23 years. My identity is framed with the fact that I'm a mother. No one will be waiting for me to cook dinner. No one waiting when I get home from work. No one calling for me if they're sick or hurt or sad. No one will be here to share their joy or show me their smile.
These fears and anticipated problems of mine are not a child's resonsibilty toward their parent. These are issues that come with the territory of being alive. I know that and would not wish to saddle someone else with my burden of living.

I crave commitment in relationship. Abandonment keeps showing itself to me.

I desire to gift a healthy emotional life to my child. My nest feels empty.

If I do the right thing, my child can live in freedom.
If I do the right thing, my worst fears come true.

It's a good thing I don't know the future.

I might not be able to get out of bed if I did.

Think Someone Is Trying to Tell Me Something?

For the past several years I have been developing a practice of solitude. I venture off to various locations around the state and spend time alone with myself, with God. In May 0f 2007 I went to Yosemite. Alone. Only I didn't really want to go alone. I was struggling with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I take an annual trip and I usually go in May to celebrate my birthday. I think this may be a mistake since it brings up more feelings of loneliness for me. Yet for some reason I keep doing it. Maybe it's the perfect time?

Anyway, I have heard that the cure for loneliness is solitude. I have had some experience with this idea and tend to believe it could be true. So in May I went in spite of this overwhelming sense of abandonment. I kept asking God to show up for me. I was asking Him to meet me in this deep and lonely place in my heart. I thought my mind was open to hear and experience whatever came my way. I thought my heart was open to perceive God's answer to my cry.

I had some amazing experiences there. I took some amazing photos. Yet deep in my heart, I didn't understand God any better, or perceive His presence any closer, or feel less abandoned.

I'm not saying this was Gods fault. I would say it has something to do with my receptors. The problem is I don't know how to be different. I'm going out of my comfort zones, out of my routine to attempt to see God fresh. I expected Him to meet me there. I expected Him to comfort me. I wanted Him to let me know He hadn't abandoned me.

Those expectations weren't met in a way I could perceive. Whose fault is that? I'm doing every thing I know how to do....and some I don't know how to do at all. After it was all said and done, I labeled the trip a failure and I stayed pissed off. I've been pissed for quite a while now.

I took this picture of El Capitan on that trip. Can you see the enormous heart chizeled out of the granite? It's probably 5 stories tall. I first found out about it on the moonlight tram tour I took on my birthday. I wasn't alone, there were 50 other people on the tram, but it was an incredibly lonely tour. But I pressed on toward looking for what presented itself and the next day hiked 13 miles to get the perfect vantage point to capture the image. It didn't escape my notice. But it missed my heart.

I was hiking on the beach a few months ago and found a rock that is shaped like a heart. It really looks like a heart when you hold it at a certain angle. It was lying in my path at the perfect angle. I picked it up and I keep it on my desk.

I went on a photography field trip a few weeks back. I was photographing plants when I noticed several new leaves unfolding in the shape of hearts. Seems as though a theme is developing.

All of this happening in time for my annual trip to Yosemite this May. I'm going alone. Again.

I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I can't possibly have the same experience as before. But the fear is there. The anxiety that I'm abandoned is there.

God is my Plan A for redemption.
There is no Plan B.

The Nightstand

I am trying to get back into the swing of blogging. I feel stiff and rusty and without many ideas. So I was reading a friends blog and one of her posts was about her nightstand. She thought you could really get to know her by looking at her nightstand.

So I took a picture of my nightstand to see if I could gain any new perspective on who I am. I seem to be having a hard time getting a fix on my own identity these days.

I'm not sure it helped. So I took a picture of the other nightstand. Still mine, I suppose. I seem to have a monopoly on nightstands in my room.

This one just looks lonely. Sort of like it's waiting for a visitor. Neat and tidy. Yet dry and unattended.

I wonder what this says about me? That part of me is interested and engaged? Part of me is waiting? For what? Maybe it just says that I can only take care of one side of the bed at a time.

I think if someone was going to get an idea about me you should really look at my desk. Unedited.....it's sort of an explosion. This surprised even me.

Love is all around

back to basics

I'm back. Maybe. Blogging. Photographing. Living my own life.

Not sure I can do it.

Stay tuned.