Think Someone Is Trying to Tell Me Something?

For the past several years I have been developing a practice of solitude. I venture off to various locations around the state and spend time alone with myself, with God. In May 0f 2007 I went to Yosemite. Alone. Only I didn't really want to go alone. I was struggling with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I take an annual trip and I usually go in May to celebrate my birthday. I think this may be a mistake since it brings up more feelings of loneliness for me. Yet for some reason I keep doing it. Maybe it's the perfect time?

Anyway, I have heard that the cure for loneliness is solitude. I have had some experience with this idea and tend to believe it could be true. So in May I went in spite of this overwhelming sense of abandonment. I kept asking God to show up for me. I was asking Him to meet me in this deep and lonely place in my heart. I thought my mind was open to hear and experience whatever came my way. I thought my heart was open to perceive God's answer to my cry.

I had some amazing experiences there. I took some amazing photos. Yet deep in my heart, I didn't understand God any better, or perceive His presence any closer, or feel less abandoned.

I'm not saying this was Gods fault. I would say it has something to do with my receptors. The problem is I don't know how to be different. I'm going out of my comfort zones, out of my routine to attempt to see God fresh. I expected Him to meet me there. I expected Him to comfort me. I wanted Him to let me know He hadn't abandoned me.

Those expectations weren't met in a way I could perceive. Whose fault is that? I'm doing every thing I know how to do....and some I don't know how to do at all. After it was all said and done, I labeled the trip a failure and I stayed pissed off. I've been pissed for quite a while now.

I took this picture of El Capitan on that trip. Can you see the enormous heart chizeled out of the granite? It's probably 5 stories tall. I first found out about it on the moonlight tram tour I took on my birthday. I wasn't alone, there were 50 other people on the tram, but it was an incredibly lonely tour. But I pressed on toward looking for what presented itself and the next day hiked 13 miles to get the perfect vantage point to capture the image. It didn't escape my notice. But it missed my heart.

I was hiking on the beach a few months ago and found a rock that is shaped like a heart. It really looks like a heart when you hold it at a certain angle. It was lying in my path at the perfect angle. I picked it up and I keep it on my desk.

I went on a photography field trip a few weeks back. I was photographing plants when I noticed several new leaves unfolding in the shape of hearts. Seems as though a theme is developing.

All of this happening in time for my annual trip to Yosemite this May. I'm going alone. Again.

I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I can't possibly have the same experience as before. But the fear is there. The anxiety that I'm abandoned is there.

God is my Plan A for redemption.
There is no Plan B.