Following God

I don't know much about this subject.
I barely know what happens in my own life and how that might be following God or following myself or following my culture blah, blah, blah.......

But recently my pastor asked me to share a story from my life. He requested this particular story. I started to write it and had to call and tell him there's no "happy ending" to this story yet. He assured me he already knew that. I reminded him that I like happy endings and things tied up in neat packages. He knew that, too. He still wanted this particular story for Sunday morning. Sometimes it's best not to argue.

I work for the State of California.
I've been with the same department for 17 years.

A few years ago I started to reevaluate my life and my career choice was part of that questioning. I started asking myself "What do you want?" Who did God create you to be? I started trying to remember....Why do I work for the State?

It's safe.
It's secure.
It's got a great retirement plan.
I get off for Cesar Chavez Day.
Most of my family was telling me "if you were smart, you'd get a state job...."
I wanted to be smart.

That was a long time ago.
I've been coming to the understanding that my current job doesn't suit the "what do you want" rule. To follow God into life, for me, means I wouldn't commute 1.5 hours a day to a 9X9 cubicle on the third floor of a downtown lowrise.

What would it mean? I couldn't really say. I didn't really know. It was scary for me to start thinking about changing jobs. It actually started a couple years ago, too. I was talking with my pastor one day, whining about my job, and he blurts out.....Quit.

What? Quit my job?

I can't quit my job, I protested! I'm the responsible one!

I'm not advocating randomly quitting your job and I'm sure my pastor wasn't either. Well, maybe he was.....I'm still not really able to hear that. But it was time to start thinking about what my life means and how it looks and what changes I could make toward living my design.

What is the problem?
Some of my problem was fear. Fear of failure, fear of being wrong, being thought of as foolish. Some of my problem came from my own bias judgments and wrong thinking. Some of my problem was comfort...control...I like to know what to expect.

Finally the pain of staying stuck becomes more painful than the fear of change. I decided that I wanted to go back to school. Now that's a pretty typical response for a woman in my situation. I'm in the middle of my life, looking back at what got me here and looking forward to what comes in my future. In order to make the job changes I would like, education is essential.

I'm the head of my household and I have to earn a steady income. I sitll have one teenager at home and going to school in the evenings just isn't a match for me right now.

This opportunity comes out of the blue to work part time for the state. My same job, just half time. Half the pay, of course, but this is a great opportunity. I can keep all my benefits and "security" and be able to go to school. But this is really scary for me. What if this isn't God leading? What if this is presumption and not faith? What if.....what if.....what if....

I'm so weary of being afraid of life that I don't want to play the "what if" game any longer. So I apply for the job. I don't really know that this is God leading. I'm attempting to read the signs along the way, opportunities seem to be opening up. Financially this is risky, trying to live on half my salary, but half my salary is more than a typical part time job and my debt is coming under control and I start mentally throwing things overboard, this can go....that can go. I start thinking this could really work. I would be more available to my son than my current work schedule. It makes my heart jump thinking about starting to walk in this idea. I feel like this is a giant step toward my intended design. I go to the college to take the assessment test. That was humbling.........

I went to student orientation. I talked to the college counselor. I filled out my financial aid packet.

I did the job interview. It was probalby the best interview I've ever done in my life. You know how the hero in the movie has the sparking tooth? I think my tooth sparkled. It was a really great interview. I went home, figured out my course schedule and enrolled in classes. I'm thinking this is a sure thing.

4 days later they came and said they had selected another candidate for the part time job.

I was really disappointed.
I don't know the ending to this story yet.......