Abandonment vs. Empty Nest

My nest isn't actually empty. Not yet anyway. But my youngest chick is stretching his wings and I'm clucking around like a nervous hen.

If I do my job as a mother, my child will easily spread his wings and fly the coop. If I do what is right and good and healthy.

I'm so often confused about life and my ego gets large. I start to wonder what if I do these things for the good of my child, raise a man to maturity and independence.....what is my reward?

A wonderful human being gets added to the population of the planet.

You would think that might be enough.

At the same time, my heart fears this means I will be alone. I will be left behind. Again. And this time I will really be all alone. What will I do with myself? I have poured my life into caring for children for the past 23 years. My identity is framed with the fact that I'm a mother. No one will be waiting for me to cook dinner. No one waiting when I get home from work. No one calling for me if they're sick or hurt or sad. No one will be here to share their joy or show me their smile.
These fears and anticipated problems of mine are not a child's resonsibilty toward their parent. These are issues that come with the territory of being alive. I know that and would not wish to saddle someone else with my burden of living.

I crave commitment in relationship. Abandonment keeps showing itself to me.

I desire to gift a healthy emotional life to my child. My nest feels empty.

If I do the right thing, my child can live in freedom.
If I do the right thing, my worst fears come true.

It's a good thing I don't know the future.

I might not be able to get out of bed if I did.