Perpetual Mid-Life Crisis

For those of you who know me....I'm sorry, but I'm still on this topic.

For those of you who don't know me....you're about to find out that I've been having a mid-life crisis for approximately 22 years.

I sense there is something missing in my life. I also keep insisting I'm not sure what it is. However, I do know what it is. I didn't finish my education. I have dreams that can only be acheived through continued education. Seems simple enough to remedy. Right?

I tried to go back to school a few times over the years. I was married for 23 years to the same person who didn't quite share my desire for higher learning. He didn't actually stop me from going back to school, but he didn't support the effort and that made it just hard enough for me to give it up. A few years later, when you add a job and kids into mix, well.....that made it just hard enough for me to shelf the dream.

I had a wonderful time raising my children. I have absolutely no regrets, those were the best years of my life. I worked part time while my children were in school. I parented with purpose and intention, giving them my full attention. We created memories and traditions and laughed around the kitchen table nearly every evening.

I'm 47 years old now. I'm no longer married. My children are grown. I've been in my current line of work for 20 years. I wake up each morning with an empty nest and years more to live.

I keep telling myself I don't know what to do next. Yet I can't bear to think about working my current job for another 20 years.

Much effort has been made to quench the desire in smaller, less costly ways. I've been through therapy, tried changing churches, reading books, and participated in countless women's bible studies. I've even tried hobbies and such. All of these are really good things for me to have done and they've all added value to who I am today. But they don't quiet that deep desire within me.

The dream is still there and it occurs to me that there is nothing between me and the dream now. Except.......what. Except whatever walls I've put up around it. Whatever protection I've erected to keep the flame alive in my heart all this time.

So it looks like the mid-life crisis might be winding down. Looks like I actually do know what to do about some of this perpetual discontent. I need to take the risk. Step into the unknown.

I've talked with a university counselor. I'm milling over the financial aid options. I'm going to take this one year at a time.

I'll keep you posted.